At some point, in the midst of all of this, I found my happiness.
It’s blue and green, its tan and brown, and it’s black and white on occasion, but mostly it’s always red. It’s warm and vibrant, and more powerful than I had ever imagined. It has taught me to never put an expiration date on emotion or love, because it’s those that we don’t have the confidence in ourself to believe in, that prove otherwise.
I found what it’s like to truely not understand, to feel completely helpless and terrified that you’re being betrayed, but to find it in your heart the confidence to keep believing. That feeling, I do not wish upon anyone. It’s absolutely gutwretching and horrendos, but the postive that you can find in such a moment will change your life. When you see how strong you truely can be, how easy it would be to run and how you stay, that’s when you start seeing how undeniably special you are, or can be. Yet still, amdist the new found confidence that you may find, sometimes it keeps you up at night, and sometimes your imagination takes flight and runs away.
It’s amazing what an imagination truly can do, the images that it can create, the scenarios that may develop. If used productively, my art would be vibrant. Instead, my insecurities take on shapes and figures, mysterious and deceitful they creep through my happiness and fight wars with love. They are dark and terrifying, often feminine and dangerous. My imagination becomes the enemy of my soul, carrying a battle ax and determined to use it on my sense of security. Nonetheless, my trust has joined forces with an ally that my feeble mind never thought possible, my self’s own confidence.
Confidence is powerful, it flows through every inch of who I am and takes over, whether it dark and negative, or vibrant and positive. Nonetheless, darkness fights nothing. Being insecure never solved anything, instead it allows for imagination to travel freely, and amidst the darkness, build castles that take the shape of stories my heart cannot handle. Henceforth, my heart and trust map battle plans that have allowed for the destruction of negative confidence, and instead a bright red vibrancy has begun to take over.
With this red comes happiness in ways that I’ve never thought possible. The feeling that one gets when they truly understand what was being asked of them is astounding. Understanding the balance opens new doors, closing ones that need to remain closed, and traveling down brightly lit pathways that even my imagination cannot survive in. And on this journey, my imagination takes on new shapes.
It takes on futures, and tommorrows. It takes on thoughts that in my wildest dreams I never thought that I would have, it takes on what everyone always told me would happen to me, and it’s rooted deep in a new home. Like a willow, with branches that create a bright shade where an infant imagination can form, with roots that flow so deep within every aspect of my existance, that even the red cannot ignore it. We often dream of futures and tomorrows, of hours from now and minutes away, and often we dream of these moments in fear that they won’t exist. It isn’t until we can truely feel the warm and beautiful red of it all can we understand how new these emotions become through different lenses.
I am beautiful, I am strong, I am opinionated and I am smart as heck. I’ve got great ideas and a huge heart with a lot to give. I have a love unlike anything and any other, and I am lucky if only for that. I have a summer ahead of me that I will search everyday for a stroke of happiness, a grain of beauty to hold on to, to nourish my willow, to recapture the light and illuminate the red.
