It’s amazing what the world turns into when you stop looking for anything, what you begin to see, and the changes that take place within. Never has it ever been easy to find happiness, but the issue there might just fall within the searching all the time. Always a firm believer in the mantra that “no one said life was supposed to be easy”, for the first time in my twenty-one years it’s starting to make sense. I’ve lived in the past with a shroud of negativity, no fear, just a pessimistic attitude about it all. Why? I wasn’t finding whatever it was that I was searching for. Nonetheless, nothing make sense, life kicks my ass daily, and yet I’m managed in all the rubble, to build some semblance of happiness. Abandoning the idea that happiness is achieved through looking, I’ve learned through all of this that the cards I’m dealt are those for which I need to play best. It’s all purely random, and there is no such thing as a mulligan on life. We’re given what we’ve been dealt and it’s an art to remain steadfast and solider onward.
Inside jokes, laughter, and hearing the voice of someone you truly care about are good indicators that life will be okay. Even seeing his or her face can be an indicator that you will make it through whatever is ailing you. Having one of your close friends look at you the same way they’ve looked at you for the past six years, and make sense without having to say a word can be the best feeling on earth. Better feelings include finding the gift you’ve been searching for, or laying up at night thinking about what you’re going to do for someone’s birthday you care about. Being at all selfless feels better, I feel better. And for the first time I have a reason to be selfless…even if it’s not always reciprocated or appreciated the way I want it to be, I still don’t want to stop.
I’m being challenged with something that is bigger than myself –that, if I work on all the little things that I’ve let slip through the cracks, I can hold on to. This past year has awakened me to a lot of the realities of how my heart stands after the wars I’ve found prior. Since forever I’ve believed that withstood whatever challenged me, and that I hadn’t suffered any consequences from any of it, and this year has proven me wrong. Nothing like a cool slap in the face the first moment you begin to panic and can immediately pin point why you feel the way you do. I may have been selfish as they came, keeping my life from everyone, never having been willing to let go and be open with just one person, and now I’ve been given a run for my money.
So maybe I’m not okay, but dammit, I’m trying.
There's a love coming to us all. 