Posts tagged happy

Dancing Domestic.

Let’s buy a house, and paint the walls fun colors, you’d let me decorate. The walls would mix and match with how we felt, the hot passion red of our bedroom would blend with the warm heat of the kitchen. Let’s let the colors mix and mingle, for yellow kisses in the hall way, and for green smiles in your office. Let’s play our music like we never thought we could, dancing naked in the living room, head walks and two-steps through the doorways. Let’s start believing in stainless steel and debate over kitchen tables. Let’s buy furniture that makes you happy, let’s develop an IKEA nesting habit and spend Sundays attempting to construct it.  “I’d kiss you there,” you’d say and the love seat would be ours. Let’s wonder which cleaning products work best, and share pained expressions when the air conditioner fails. “I can’t fix this,” I’ll mumble and you’ll laugh at my candor, and the moment will be ours. Let’s buy bed sheets that we will tangle between legs and knees. Let’s let me come home late and you come home late through our own door, and let’s never ask the questions that beg for dishonesty or reveal mistrust. Let’s replace beer stained carpets and wonder where our nights have gone in our liquor soaked haze. Let’s share a pillow mantra and worship in free furniture religions that we can repaint and rebuild to suit our fancies. And we can stop worrying about the future, and we can start washing all the dishes, and we can never take ourselves too seriously. And you can come home, and I can jump up to kiss you. And we can hold shows in our cellar, and you can laugh at how I say that, and we can invite your friends, and I’ll make some friends, and we can take pictures of the silly things we do. And we can start a four legged family and we can get up early, and we can never be afraid to not sit still. And we we can curl up on the sofa and watch TV, and we can never lose the butterflies. And we’d have a bed of our own, a home of our own…and we can pretend to be grown up.

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Giving in, not giving up.

This is one moment in your life. One moment in a indefinite series of moments that will eventually consume you. This moment sucks. It sucks in that big way that you wish you didn’t have more sucky moments coming to you. But the reality is, there will be worse moments. There will be harder times, and you’ll look back and laugh that this hurt so much. Sounds pessimistic, but on the other side of things, there will be all those moments that far outweigh the shit moments. Those moments when you’re glad you stuck around and didn’t give up when you wanted to. That’s all you can ever hope from life. We’re given a heart and a brain and a means to cognitively get through all those moments when you felt like there wasn’t a reason to keep thinking about anything. There is no right answer to life. There is not set guidelines as to how you’re supposed to live, no ultimate happiness, no paramount tragedy. There is just these series of moments that write your book for you, that answer your questions, and that motivate you to keep on living. Suicide victims never get the chance to truely see that. If you spend your whole life within the expectation that your life isn’t as good as it could be, you’ll never truely be satisfied. In this one moment, this is as good as it’s going to get for this moment. I sit here on a couch in a home that scares me in ways I couldn’t begin to describe, and in this moment, this is all I have. This moment is my life, and there are plenty of moments to come that will be better, and plenty that are going to make me wish I was back here right now. There needs to be a time when you’re own happiness no longer hides the truth from you. There needs to be a time when you understand that there is no cookie-cutter response for how our lives are supposed to turn out and there is in no way a set definition surrounding how you’re bound to live yours. Stop envying the people with the better relationships, the better cars, the better jobs. Stop feeling like you’re not adequate to help people who have been through worse than you. Stop thinking that you’re reality isn’t as real as their’s just because you haven’t experienced the things you have, because this is your reality. This love, as challenging as it may be, is your life in this moment and there are going be a million and one things that want to take that away from you. So what if that happens? Then it’s another sucky moment. It’s another time when you can’t help but wonder what the point of it all is. Then that moment will come when you can breathe again, that split second when you smile through all the tears you may have grown so accustomed to shedding. It’s in that small and somewhat fleeting moment that you need to understand that you do have the capacity to smile again, just as much as you have the ability to love again. So take it for face value, embrace the pain, no strength was ever built on weakness. In the end, everything will be okay. If you can’t believe that, redefine your definition of “okay.”

Dedicated to: MC

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