When I’m standing outside, the smooth hint of rain slipping down my jacket, hands exposed, feet cocked inward in a way that only I stand…I think of what it will be like. That moment when our eyes connect again. In my head I’m cavalier -I’m slick and brilliant with an edge of morose attitude only you’d comprehend. In my head I’m smirking. A slight and coy smile that produces itself on the right side of my face, my eye crunching up and my chipmunk cheeks you toyed with so freely appearing from a once sullen face. My lips would barely move, my fingers coming up to shoulder height in my ever present and characteristic peace sign, and I say ‘hi’. Just ‘hi’, ‘hello’ is too long, ‘what’s up’ too impersonal, ‘hey’ is someone else- not me, and a long drawn out ‘hiiii’ is serial-killer-hiding-in-the-closet, and that’s not who I’d like to be to you…today. I’m hard to picture, simply because I know my future self is more likely to be nervous, fumbling all over who I am and all the things I fear. In reality, you’ll be all the things I hope to be. Cavalier and cunning, smart and fearless, quick witted and handsome. You’ll walk up, hands in front pockets and crack a smile at me with a ‘hey’ that only you can pull off as you draw out your words in a style much your own -not me. In those moments, I’ll be nothing, I’ll be awestruck and freakish. My spine will tingle and my heart won’t beat properly. Maybe then I’ll say ‘hi’ and laugh like I do, when I just push air from my lungs, beyond my malfunctioning heart, and up through my nostrils. Not so much a laugh, more or less a quick breath outward, before I explode. Beyond that, I know I’ll walk behind you and watch your shoulders or feet, I know I’ll sit with my legs crossed next to you, and I know I’ll look at you from the corner of my eyes and smirk at you. It’s those things I’m thinking about when I’m standing outside alone, placing myself there, preparing myself for a better place, whilst standing out on the wet pavement 100 miles away. Miles away, and I can’t face you now.
“It’s so good to see you now, the times been good to you. It’s just so amazing, your smile is shining through. Amazing how life can turn, one day to the next, you know…I’ll figure out where I am and figure which way to go. “
There's a love coming to us all. 